Parent Ministry Pillar #1: Consistency

This is part 2 of a 4-part "Foundations of Parent Ministry" series.

When I moved from Ohio to Albuquerque, New Mexico in 1999, it didn't take long for my family to adjust to the sunny, warm days and the beautiful mountain scenery that envelops the city. Along with its beauty, Albuquerque happens to be the home of the world's longest aerial tramway that whisks visitors from 6,500 ft to 10,378 ft in only minutes. Once at the top, there are spectacular panoramic views of 11,000 square miles of New Mexico. Even though the ride up is breath taking as the tram glides over beautiful mountain tops and deep, pine filled chasms, it is also very deceptive - especially for those like me who are afraid of heights.

As the tram makes its steady journey up the thin-looking, wind-tossed cables (which are the only things holding you and the rest of the riders from plummeting hundreds of feet to your death!), there is a large tower on top of the mountain peak ahead to which the cables are connected, signaling to the nervous first-time passengers that the ride is almost over. However, as the car approaches the tower, one realizes that this is not the end. When the tram sails under the tower, over the peak, and back out into the vast expanse, the horrifying realization sets in that the ride is only half over, and the canyon below is deeper and more expansive than the last.

In the same way, once you have wrestled with the theology behind the philosophy of parent ministry (see article 01), you may think that you are ready to begin planning the particulars of your budding parent ministry. However, based on my studies and my experience, you're only half way there, and like the vast canyon that must be crossed in the tram, there is still a lot of groundwork that must be laid before the particulars of your parent ministry can be planned. There are still three "foundational pillars" that must be put in place in order to ensure a successful, long lasting parent ministry. In this article, we'll explore the pillar of consistency - which can be divided into three sub-categories: consistency in time; consistency in building family relationships; and consistency in maturity.

Consistency in Time
If you want to establish your ministry as one that equips parents and helps families, then you must be committed to being in one place for a long period of time. I've gone through my ministry career with the understanding that the average life span of a youth pastor in any one given church is about 18 months to two years. At the two churches I have served, I made sure that the pastors and the parents knew that I was an "above average" youth pastor upon the observance of my second anniversary! I know of one church in Michigan that went through four youth pastors in five years. All of them left for various reasons ranging from moral failure to job dissatisfaction, and when the church called me to ask if I would consider being the fifth youth pastor in five years, I promptly but kindly said "no!" If teens and families don't think you'll last long at their church, then chances are, they won't buy completely in to your leadership and vision.

I firmly believe that it takes a good two to three years for a youth pastor to really establish himself as the trusted and loved leader among his students. It takes this much time for the kids to really get to know him and for him to really get to know them. When I first came to my current church, I was following in the footsteps of a beloved, highly relational youth pastor who had left prior to my arrival. In the interim, the youth ministry was lead by two couples who were some of the best volunteer youth workers I have ever known. Both couples left - not because of me but because of jobs in other cities! - within one year of my arrival. Their departure left the students dismayed and my ministry shorthanded. It took a good two years for the program to recover and for my leadership to be fully established and "bought into" by the kids.

If it takes this long for kids to buy in, then you can count on it taking longer for parents to buy in. They aren't around you as much as their kids are. They don't go on retreats with you; they don't get to hear you pour your heart out each week like their kids do; and they don't spend endless hours hanging out with you in your home, in your office, or at McDonalds. In order to have a platform with your parents - one in which will allow you to speak into their lives and influence their families - it's going to take time. If you have not been with your church for very long, you need to at least regularly communicate to your parents that you plan on staying there for a long time.

I have a youth pastor friend here in Albuquerque who is very committed to the philosophy of parent ministry but has only been at his church for less than two years. In spite of his short tenure, he has already made great strides in ministering to and equipping his parents because from day one, he has made it clear to his students and their parents that he is committed to staying for the long haul. He has told me numerous times - and I'm sure he has told them as well - that he sees youth ministry as a career and not a stepping stone to something else. His commitment to staying for the long haul at his church has greatly helped him in the building of his parent ministry.

Consistency in Building Family Relationships
It's one thing to be committed to staying at one church for a long period of time, but it's another thing to strategically build relationships that will open up future opportunities to minister to parents during that time. How purposeful are you in building relationships not just with teens but with their parents? I know of youth workers who spend countless hours at their students' sporting events hanging with other teens. How much more strategic and beneficial would it be for the youth worker to spend some of his time at these events sitting with and talking to parents? Whenever I go to one of my student's events, I spend most of my time hanging with their parents. Besides, I'm not sure the other teens there really enjoy having me (a married man and father of three kids) invading their group anyway. I usually pop in on their posse for a quick "How you doin'?" and an awkward thirteen-step handshake that I fumble through, and then I go sit with the parents. This is my time to build rapport, friendship, and trust with them.

I made the mistake one time early on in my ministry of not spending time with a set of parents when I should have, and it cost me. My family and I were invited to the home of two teens from my youth group for dinner. Little did I know at the time that the parents were having enormous problems with their oldest son and wanted to use the evening to get to know me to see if I might be able to help them. During dinner, the kids said very little, and the father was obviously suffering from a powerful headache. He sat silent with his head down most of the meal and then chewed and swallowed three dry aspirin in front of us as desert was served! After desert, he got up and left without saying a word to go lie down. I assumed that since he was out of the picture that I could be as well, so as my wife chatted with the mother, I went upstairs to the boy's room to hang with him.

After showing me all of his Lego inventions and his elaborate Hot Wheels collection, he challenged me to a game of chess. About an hour passed, and after getting thoroughly whipped by a 13-year old, we made our way back downstairs. Evidently, in the course of the chess match, the father came back to life, so my wife was left alone to chat with both of them while I played with their son. We all talked for a few minutes, and after several "thank yous" and the ceremonial hand on the stomach "the meal was delicious...I'm stuffed" exchange, we left. I walked to the van with a smile on my face, reveling in the fact that I had mastered yet another teen connection. I was feeling good!

Then I looked at my wife! She was not happy at all and made it very clear to me in precise and extremely understandable words that I had blown it. She explained that the parents were hoping to visit with both of us and that they had invited us over to visit...with them and not necessarily with their kids. I threw out a couple of lame retorts attempting to justify my behavior, but I knew she was right. I should have been more sensative to the situation, and because I wasn't, it took a lot of work on my part to recover.

Over the next couple of years, the family went through some pretty tough times with their son. I played an important part in helping them survive, which included having the son live at our house for a short time. However, through most of my interactions with the family during this time, I was looked down upon especially by the mother. She expressed to me her thankfulness on numerous occasions for my relationship with her son, but more than once, she told me that she felt like my age and lack of parenting experience made it hard for her to take any advice from me. If I would have shown more discernment the night they invited me over and spent time building a relationship with them, maybe her "take" on me would have been different. If I would have shown her that I was interested in getting to know them that night rather than spending all of my time playing games with her son, maybe she would have seen me as more of a family pastor than just a youth pastor.

Being consistent in building family relationships means that you look for opportunities in every ministry situation and setting to connect with parents. When you phone one of your students and her parent answers, don't be too quick to ask for her. Spend some time chatting with the parent. When parents come to the church to drop off or pick up their kids, roam the parking lot and interact with as many parents as you can. Laying the foundation of relationship will pay off down the road when you're ready to transition your ministry to one that seeks to educate and equip parents.

Consistency in Maturity
On the whole, youth workers are not known for always choosing to do the wisest things! It is a constant struggle for us to keep the balance between being seen as "cool" by our students and being seen as mature and "safe" by their parents. However, one screw-up in the area of maturity, and our credibility with parents can go down-the-tubes...sometimes permanently.

For my first full-time youth ministry gig back in 1994, I was hired in May, and in June, I found myself sitting on a urine-stained mattress in a filthy camp cabin serving as the counselor for twelve senior high guys I barely knew. Unbeknownst to me, these guys had a tradition each year of seeing who could do the grossest thing at camp. The guy who outdid all of the others would receive the coveted title of being the grossest person for the entire year until camp came around the following year.

It just so happened that one of the adult counselors I brought with me was a guy in the Air Force. On the first night of camp, all of the guys were sitting around in the cabin talking about the winning gross acts of year's past and how they were planning to top it that year. Against all wisdom and logic, the adult counselor decided to tell the guys about the gross things that Air Force cadets do at the academy. The things he mentioned were far grosser than anything the high school guys had ever imagined, and needless to say, the rest of the week was spent attempting to outdo the Air Force cadets.

I'll have to admit, I never stopped the guys from doing this, and to be honest, it was funny watching them try to outdo one another. Did it ever enter the realm of sin? No. Was it complete stupidity? Yes! I can not in good conscience relay to you the events of that week, but I can tell you that when we arrived back in the church parking lot after camp was over, the actions of the guys in my cabin were proclaimed to every single parent in attendance. I also came to find out that their shenanigans were the talk of many family meals, get-togethers, and reunions that summer as well!

One afternoon, I received a phone call from one of my most treasured parents. This mother and her husband had great kids and were people that I highly respected. I knew that they were big fans of me, my family, and my ministry, and this made her call all the more painful. She called to ask if indeed the rumors of what went on in my cabin were true to which I had to answer "yes." After much backtracking and explaining by me, she did affirm that what went on was not sinful, but she did feel that I showed a real lack of wisdom and discernment by letting it go on. She was right, and it took quite some time for the episode to die down and for my reputation among the parents to be rebuilt.

As youth workers, we must be more concerned with building our parents' trust in us than being seen as "cool" and "hip" by our students. Besides, there are very few of us who can really pull off being seen as cool by kids today, and I'm not so sure I want to be seen that way anyway! Be fun loving, exciting, and dynamic, but make sure that you don't allow yourself to cross the line into irresponsibility, immaturity, and foolishness. This will only go to delay and stunt the development of a successful parent ministry.