Parent Ministry

Helping Parents Survive the Teenage Storm

2009-04-16T08:55:00.004-06:00

Equip Your Parents (EYP) is a series designed to help you better equip the parents you work with.

Last week, something monumental happened in my family. With the celebration of Taylor's birthday last Monday, we officially became a home with four teenagers living in it. We knew this day would come, but like with any major catastrophe, we just weren't ready! Michelle and I could feel the wind picking up, and we could hear the thunder in the distance, but last Monday, the lightning struck and the storm hit with gale force winds. And, as far as we can tell, the storm has stalled out over our home. The latest forecast calls for this storm to continue to pelt our home for at least the next five years. So, how will we survive the teenage storm that has hit our home? Here's what we're doing to try to survive...

1. We're in the process of creating a parents-only sanctuary in our home. Our home is pretty small for the amount of people (and dogs) living in it, and it's hard to get away. So, Michelle and I are in the process of creating a "sanctuary" where we can get away. Currently, our bedroom has a TV equipped with a DVR for recording and watching our favorite shows at our leisure. In the coming months, we're hoping to install the claw-foot tub that we drug here from Ohio. It needs to be refurbished, and our bedroom/bathroom combination needs some reconfiguring, but we think we have a plan. As we revealed our "sanctuary" plan to one of our teenage daughters, she replied, "If you do that, you guys will never come out!" Exactly.

2. We get out of the house regularly. This is something we've done since the kids were very little. When they were unable to care for themselves, we spent quite a bit of money each month on babysitters. And when Emily became old enough to watch the kids herself, we made it known to her that staying home with them while we went out on a consistent basis was her God-given reason for being born. She bought it for a while, but as she got older, she got smarter! Michelle and I have always made time for one another, and one of the main ways we've done this is by taking walks together. When the kids we're younger, we would take them to a park to play. While they played, Michelle and I would walk laps around the park keeping them in our sight at all times. Now, we leave home nearly every day for a 35 minute walk. This is the time when we debrief our day, talk parenting strategy, or even stop on a street corner to kiss. Walking together is healthy, free, and even romantic sometimes.

3. We work hard to maintain the top position in the home. Those of you who have teenagers know that this can be a difficult thing to do. Teens can be assuming, demanding, and full of entitlement. If parents aren't careful, their teenagers can overtake the control of the house! Michelle and I love our teens dearly, but we often let them know their place (below us!). We do this sometimes by verbally reminding them that we're the parents, and they're the kids. But we often do it non-verbally by not allowing them to have full run of the house. For example, we still require that our younger teens get to bed at a decent time; our older teens can stay up as late as they need to, but they have to be quiet and courteous to those who are smart enough to go to bed before 2AM! We also require our teens to all pitch-in with the work wound the house. Our kids know that Saturday is "chore day," and they know that they're not allowed to do anything "fun" until their chores are done. Although the younger teens tend to still complain about this sometimes, the older ones work diligently, understanding that this is part of being a kid in the Potter home. Maintaining the top position in the home is essential for any couple who desires to survive the powerful onslaught of budding adults in their home.

4. We eat together as a family as much as we can. This is getting harder and harder to do. Michelle and I both work, Emily and Jasmine have after-school jobs, and Taylor plays sports almost year round, but all six of us do manage to sit around the same table at the same time for a meal probably 2-3 times per week. And because our family meal times can sometimes turn into family fight time, we are trying to instill an exercise we heard about from some family friends. Each family member must share what was the best and worst part of their day. No one is allowed to interrupt the one speaking, and no negative talk about another family member is tolerated. I think the older teens think this is a bit goofy, but the conversation sure ends up being better than what it could be and has been in the past. Even though getting all four of our teens together in the same room is often loud, crazy, and obnoxious, connecting face-to-face as a family on a regular basis is a very high priority for me and Michelle.

5. We pray. A lot. Michelle and I have been and continue to pray for our kids. Sometimes we do it together, but most of the time, we find ourselves crying out to the Lord in the quiet of our hearts on behalf of our kids. Raising kids is not a science full of proven "if/then" scenarios. It's an art, and it requires constant thinking, rethinking, and evaluation. Even though I've been in ministry for 15 years, and even though much of that ministry has been to teens and their parents, I find myself often at a loss for what to do or what to say regarding my own teens. With four teens in the house, Michelle and I find that we are more dependent upon the Lord now than we've ever been before. Even though God has entrusted these kids to us, we're fully aware that it is Him who is ultimately in charge of drawing them to Himself and changing their hearts. We just hope and pray that our mistakes and failures don't hinder the work He's doing in them.

This is an exciting time in our home, but it's also an exhausting time as well. Statistics show that disagreements and stress about money, sex, and children are the top three causes of divorce in American homes today. Teens cost a lot, so I'm not sure how to solve the money stress right now, and this is probably not the forum to discuss our sex life, but I do know that as Michelle and I strive to do the five things mentioned above, we are surviving, our marriage is growing, and we are discovering peace and enjoyment amidst the chaos of the teenage storm!

Helping Parents and Teens Better Communicate

2008-09-05T08:05:00.007-06:00

Equip Your Parents (EYP) is a question/answer series designed to help you better equip the parents you work with.

What are parents to do when their teens won't talk to them?
Answered by Karen Dockery, author and veteran youth worker

One of the first things I would say is don't turn it over to youth workers. Don't have the mindset that says, "Well, you just talk to your youth worker and then he can tell me what you said." Teens do need to talk to youth workers, but they also need to talk to their parents. Study after study shows that the one person teenagers most yearn to talk to is not their friends, but their parents. The only reason they stop talking is because they get flamed when they do.

Teens have no idea how to talk about all the new things that are going on. They're struggling with things like, "Why is the anger that I used to feel now rage?" and "Why can I not get girls off of my mind?" They think they're the only ones going through this intensity; they have no clue how to put it into words, so the easiest thing is to back off, but it's not the best thing. We've got to be the adult, be the parent, and show them how to talk about it. We need to say things like, "Son, girls are pretty attractive, aren't they? They're good pieces of God's work." These things are hard to talk about but just head into it.

Your kids don't need a teacher; they don't need a friend; they need a parent. Parents are the people who equip them for life. Parents, think of yourselves as equippers and teachers. Consider how you want to be treated by someone who knows a whole lot more than you know. You don't want those people to treat you as stupid or as a baby, but you want them to respect you. Well, your teen needs to be treated the same way.

There are two rules I encourage parents to follow:

1) The one sentence lecture.
I encourage parents to work on stopping two sentences short when they're talking to their kids. Parents need to work hard on being concise and to the point. This way, their kids will have a hard time accusing them of lecturing.

2) Insist that they tell you three things a day.
At first, kids might think that their parents are wild, and they might even think it's just a game. But, when they come home from school, parents should ask their kids to tell them three things that happened during their day. Some (if not most) kids might try to respond by saying, "I'm bored," or "I don't want to talk about it," or "That's none of your business." However, parents must not allow these three things to count! They must encourage their kids to go a little bit deeper, and then they can use what their kids say to spur on a more intimate conversation.

Don't expect this to be easy. Parents and teens will be frustrated at times with each other. However, as a youth worker, encourage both sides to keep traveling after the first bump they hit, and they will learn how to communicate with one another on a deeper level.

Parent Ministry: You Can Do It!

2008-09-04T15:01:00.003-06:00

So, you're a youth worker, and the thought of adding a parent ministry program to your already busy schedule seems impossible. You spend most of your time on what some call "The Big 3" of youth ministry: administration/planning, Bible study/prayer, and relationship building. In your estimation, there is absolutely no way you can add one more thing to your already over-committed ministry schedule...and you're probably right.

However, what if I told you that you don't have to add anything to your schedule to pull off a successful parent ministry? And, what if I told you that you could actually equip parents to be the primary faith trainers of their kids without adding another night, or class, or meeting to your already busy schedule? Well, believe it or not, it is possible! You CAN do it!

Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel, Different Bat Philosophy
I have been involved in transitioning my youth ministry into a family ministry for over three years. It has been a long process with little guidance from the outside (because there's not much out there in the way of help!). When I first embarked on making the transition, I knew one thing for sure: I couldn't radically change the way my current youth ministry program looked. I still had to do junior/senior high Sunday School each week, and I still had to hold a midweek youth group meeting each week. I didn't have time for consistent parent meetings, and I knew that most of my parents wouldn't be interested in attending. Plus, the thought of doing this was (and still is at times!) intimidating. So, I had to develop and build my parent ministry within the same framework...same framework, but different philosophy.

There are many changes I have made over the past three years to make my youth ministry more family-based...some have worked, and some haven't. Let me share one change I've made that didn't work very well at the beginning but is working better and better as time passes. It is something that I think all youth workers must do based on the fact that God has ordained that parents are to be the primary faith trainers in a teen's life...not youth workers (Deut. 6:5-7, Eph. 6:4).

Simple But Effective
I started sending home worksheets for the students and "parent pages" for the parents that went along with what I was teaching on the upcoming Sunday. The student worksheets are simple. They consist of the Scripture passage and five to ten questions designed to get them interacting with the text and designed to help them apply the text to their lives. The parent pages give parents the topic, Scripture passage, and the same discussion questions the teens get but with brief yet helpful commentary from me. I encourage students and parents to work through the sheets on their own and then meet together (breakfast out, after school milkshake, before bed) to discuss the study sheets. Developing these resources for your students and their parents really doesn't take very long because you're already preparing to teach on the topic or passage anyway...it just requires that you plan ahead (something we youth workers aren't necessarily known for!!).

This system is a win, win, win situation. Win #1: The students are studying God's Word on their own, and what they're studying is connected directly to what they're being taught at church. Win #2: Parents are given everything they need to have a meaningful discussion with their teen about God's Word. Most parents in the church want to have conversations like this with their kids, but don't know how to pull it off. Win #3: Your students are much more prepared to discuss what you're teaching on because they have studied the text themselves beforehand, and (hopefully!) their parents have discussed it with them as well.

In a recent interview I did with George Barna, founder and director of The Barna Research Group, George summed it up perfectly when he said, "Based on our studies, I would say that many churches - and in fact most Christian parents - have unfortunately lost sight of the fact that ministry to kids is not really the primary role of the church. It's the primary role of the parents. The church is there to help parents. It's there as a support system, not as the primary ministry outpost in a kids life. That needs to be happening in the home and needs to be fostered and facilitated by the parents first and foremost." This system helps parents reclaim the role of being, as George puts it, "the primary ministry outpost" in their teens' lives!

What About Those Parents Who Won't Do This?
When I tell youth workers about this system, the first response out of 90% of their mouths is, "This will never work! I have several kids in my group who come from non-Christian homes, and even my Christian parents probably won't take the time to do this." You may be thinking the same thing, so allow me to respond to you the same way I respond to them.

Yes, non-Christian parents will not do this with their teens. However, just because they won't do it doesn't mean that we shouldn't make this system available to the Christian parents who might. Non-Christian homes provide a great opportunity for your youth leaders or other adult mentors to "adopt" the student for purposes of doing the study. Other adults (with the permission of the student's parents) can meet with the student each week to discuss the study sheets.

While it might be true that even your Christian parents won't take the time to do this at first with their teens, the more you make this system available, the more many of them will start doing it. This has been my experience. Although I communicated this new system several times to my parents, only a few jumped on board at first. However, over time, many more have joined in to the point where if I don't get the study sheets to them, they ask me where they are!
It takes time to get the ball rolling with this, but if you're consistent in providing the study sheets, your students and parents will become consistent too, and you will be well on your way to building a successful parent ministry!

Parent Ministry Pillar #3: Communication

2008-09-04T14:56:00.002-06:00

This is part 4 of a 4-part "Foundations of Parent Ministry" series.

I don't know about you, but I hate election season. This is the time each fall where all of my favorite television shows are invaded by annoying political commercials. It usually starts in September and doesn't end until election day in November. In September, the commercials feature politicians discussing the issues and trying to convince voters that they are the right choice because of their stance on those issues. However, by mid-October, the politicians put the issues aside and begin slinging mud at each other, attacking the character and track record of their opponents. These annoying commercials air during every single commercial break, and by election day, I'm so irritated that I don't even want to vote. Talk about overkill!

We usually view overkill as a negative thing. Political commercials, daily junk email, nightly calls from telemarketers, and the car in your town with 50 cheesy Christian bumper stickers plastered all over it. All overkill, and all equally annoying. However, when it comes to establishing yourself as a trusted and reliable youth worker, there is one area where there is no such thing as overkill. It's in the area of parent communication, the third and final foundational pillar that must be in place in order to begin to build a successful parent ministry.

I pride myself in being a good communicator. After all, I majored in communication in college and have been working in that field ever since I graduated. My wife, Michelle, graduated with the same degree from the same school at the same time I did. You would think, then, that our marriage would be marked by excellent, even articulate communication. Wrong! Many times over the years, we have had communication breakdowns, which have led to tension, misunderstandings, and arguements. I would say that we are probably above average in the area of husband/wife communication, but it still takes a lot of effort and work on our part to communicate well with one another.

In the same way, no matter how good of a communicator you think you are, you still need to make it an area of great focus and effort in your ministry - especially with your parents. If they do not know the important "who, what, when, where, and whys" of your ministry, they will not be quick to trust you or see you as a partner in the development of their teen. There is no overkill in this area.

I believe that there are three main things that you as a youth worker must clearly and constantly communicate to your parents: your commitment to the family, your ministry vision, and your ministry schedule.

Communicate Your Commitment to the Family
It's one thing to say to your parents that you are committed to them and to their family, but it's another thing to actually fashion your ministry in such a way as to prove it. Many youth workers say that they are allies of the family but then declare war on their schedules. Families seem to be busier today than they have ever been. If we want to communicate our commitment to the family, then we must not contribute to their out-of-control lifestyles. This is not to say that we shouldn't plan weekly youth meetings and occasional parent meetings, but it does mean that we should be sensitive to our families.

Many youth workers don't feel satisfied unless they are running crazy doing youth group "stuff" all the time. I know that early on in my ministry, I felt this way. As I would put together my monthly calendars, if there were gaps - more than 3 or 4 days with no youth events - I would add things to make it look fuller. In the process, I was adding to the problem. Unfortunately, many youth workers today are doing the same. I know of several youth workers who are running themselves ragged and running their families ragged as well. They have small group meetings, big group meetings, student leadership team meetings, adult leadership team meetings, youth choir meetings, junior high meetings, and senior high meetings all in one week. It's killing them, and it's contributing to the breakneck lifestyle of their families.

If you are one of these, then work to trim your youth event schedule. Integrate and combine some of your programs. Be willing to even cut some of your programs, because there are probably some that are unnecessary or ineffective anyway. Block program so that multiple meetings can take place on the same night. That way kids will only have to come to the church one evening per week rather than two or three. As you develop your ministry schedule, put yourself in the shoes of the parents. Make sure you do all that you can to be sensitive to the rhythm of the home, because in so doing, you will earn credibility and respect from your parents.

Communicate Your Ministry Vision
Why do you do the things you do in ministry? Are there defined purposes that drive every event, activity, and Bible study? If so, are you communicating these purposes to your parents? They need to know.

I have always been very purpose driven in my youth ministry. Every event, activity, and Bible study has its roots in a deeper purpose. Sunday mornings are set aside for ordered learning and challenging teaching. Parent discussion guides are emailed or delivered to parents each week because we are committed to equipping parents so that they can discuss spiritual things with their teens at home. Wednesday nights are designed to foster community and spiritual discussion, so the teaching is minimal and the games are plenty! Our social events are designed to build group unity and welcome newcomers in a non-threatening way, so Bible teaching or discussion is minimal. I know the purpose behind all of this, but do my parents?

If I do not clearly communicate my ministry vision to them, then they will wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. For instance, if I don't communicate clearly and often that Wednesday nights are spiritually lighter than Sunday mornings for a reason, then parents will begin to question my spiritual leadership ability. I have even been accused of running a "pizza party" youth ministry by some parents because they don't understand the rhythm of my ministry. Their family skips Sunday School each week, and their kids only come to youth on Wednesday nights and only experience the lighter stuff. It's my responsibility to communicate to these parents that there is much more to the youth ministry picture than what they're seeing. I need to encourage them to get their kids involved in the other aspects of the ministry as well.

One of the ways that I have communicated my ministry vision and purpose to parents is by publishing a yearly brochure that spells out my ministry vision in a detailed yet simple way. This brochure gets mailed to, handed to, delivered to, given to, and forced upon every parent multiple times each year. Also, each time I meet with my parents, I make sure that I spend just a few minutes discussing some aspect of my ministry vision with them. Remember, there is no overkill in this area, and if you want your parents to be on board with your ministry vision, then you must communicate it to them clearly and constantly.

Communicate Your Ministry Schedule
I spend a lot of my time developing ministry brochures, pamphlets, calendars, postcards, and newsletters. The youth and family ministry at my church consumes a lot of paper, and there are much fewer trees in this world to prove it! We are constantly producing materials designed to communicate our ministry schedule to the teens and parents of our church. They come to expect mail, handouts, and emails, and when they don't receive multiple communication hits about an event, they begin to doubt if the event is actually going to happen.

Case in point: We hold a monthly parent meeting on the fourth Wednesday night of each month. Parents are encouraged to drop their kids off at our children's building or youth room and stay for pie, coffee, discussion, and prayer. We had been doing it consistently for quite some time - nearly a year. The meetings are announced in our monthly parents newsletter that every parent receives, and it is announced in the church bulletin two weeks in a row prior to the meeting. One time, we forgot to send out a postcard about it. Once we realized that it was too late to send out the postcard, we decided to have a couple of kids call parents to remind them. Some parents were called, and some were not. The night of the meeting, we had only five parents show up. In months prior, we have had as many as 35 attend. When I asked a couple of parents why they didn't attend, they said that because they didn't receive a postcard, they assumed that the meeting must have been canceled...even though they admitted to seeing the meeting announced in the parents newsletter and in the bulletin. One parent even admitted to having the youth calendar posted on her refrigerator with the parent meeting date circled. However, she said that when no postcard arrived, she assumed that the meeting was off. Have I mentioned yet that there is no overkill in the area of communication?!

Make sure that parents are "in the know" about everything surrounding your ministry. They need to know that you are committed to the success of their family, and your ministry make-up and design needs to prove it. Communicate with them often, and don't assume that just because you told them something once or even twice that they got it. Even more so, don't assume that just because you told their teenager something that the message will get home to mom and dad. If you've been in ministry for any amount of time, you know this is true!

In my studies of communication, I have learned that most people will remember something or will be moved to action by something only after they have received seven communication hits about it. If this is even close to being true, you've got your work cut out for you. Develop a communication team that consists of adults or students, and declare war on your parents' mail boxes and email boxes. Barrage them with handouts, pamphlets, brochures, postcards, and phone calls. Go strong, and don't worry about overkill, because there is none!

Parent Ministry Pillar #2: Competency

2008-09-04T14:39:00.003-06:00

This is part 3 of a 4-part "Foundations of Parent Ministry" series.

It was the summer of 1996. The outfitter was called "Shotgun Eddy." The river was the mighty Wolf River in northern Wisconsin. There were twenty high school students and five adult leaders, including myself. The 14 mile, eight rapids, two waterfalls rafting trip-of-terror lasted six hours. It was the day I learned the vital importance of competency...and it was the one day of youth ministry that I will never forget!

As we began our journey, we tied our lunch boxes to the inside of our two and three-man rafts, secured our life jackets, grabbed our paddles and pushed out from the shore. Most of the teens and adults on the trip had been whitewater rafting before, but never like this - on our own without guides. It's the special feature that sets "Shotgun Eddy" apart from all the rest. They allow you to raft the river without trained guides and were recommended to me by a respected youth pastor and friend who had taken his kids on the trip the summer before.

The students and leaders became restless after about an hour on the river. I had promised them a day of excitement and adventure, but all we had done for the first hour was paddle down the river because the water was too shallow and was moving slowly. They had all taken off their shoes and had removed their life jackets. For months prior, I had hyped this rafting trip, and the kids were enjoying the fine art of insulting me, suggesting that I was all hype with no punch. Then it happened!

As we moved through what seemed to be another lazy bend in the river, we heard a man desperately yelling for us to get to the right side of the river. At first, none of us responded, but after seeing the man on the shore jumping up and down and vehemently waving and pointing, we all sprang to attention. None of us had time to row because we were all frantically putting our life jackets back on. Few had the chance to put their shoes back on or grab their paddles. The roar of the water and sudden speed at which we were moving indicated that my prophecy of rapids and waterfalls was coming true. Needless to say, the insults stopped!

One by one, the rafts disappeared - backwards, sideways, diagonally. No one had time to straighten up their rafts but me because I was in the back. I was in a two-man raft with a 14-year old girl who was sitting in the front facing me as we went over the waterfall. I flew out of my seat and plowed into her, knocking her out of the raft and into the rapids. Somehow, I managed to stay in, and once I gained my composure, I was able to see that no one else had stayed in their rafts. Speeding through the rapids were upsidedown rafts, paddles, shoes, lunches, and people - twenty-four in all! It took us 30 minutes to collect everyone and everything.

To make a long story short, the trip went downhill from there. One of our adult leaders - a mom who came along to cook for us - rode through one of the jagged rock-filled rapids on her rear end and was bruised from head to toe. In the scariest event of the day, one of our other adult leaders - a young lady whose wedding was one month away - flipped out and rode the rapid trapped underneath her raft. She didn't pop back up until a good minute later. She was sure she was going to die and was in shock the rest of the trip. I had to hold her in my arms through every remaining rapid, knowing that if she fell out again, she would probably die of fear. Most of the students were scared to death and were begging me to let them get out and walk.

I learned a valuable lesson that day about the importance of competency. I will never again get on a river without a guide. I realized how necessary a competent guide - someone who knows the river and knows how to navigate it - is to the success and safety of a whitewater rafting trip. In the same way, youth workers must be competent in what they do. The river of adolescence and family life is fast-moving and dangerous, and families desperately need a competent guide - someone who knows the river and knows how to navigate it - to help them move through it successfully and safely.

The second of the three "foundational pillars" that must be in place in order to ensure a successful, long lasting parent ministry is the pillar of competency - which can be divided into three sub-categories: knowing God and His Word, knowing the youth culture, and knowing the family.

Knowing God and His Word
The number one reason why the youth worker position exists in the local church is to lead kids into a relationship with God through Christ. It is very easy to lose sight of this when most of our time is spent in front of a computer (searching the web for the lastest and most exciting game, making brochures and hand-outs, and visiting sites that help us stay on top of the youth culture), or in a both at the local McDonalds with a kid who is more interested in his milkshake than in having a relationship with God. We must always remember that our number one calling is to love kids and lead them into a life-changing relationship with the Lord.

This means that we must first of all be commited to growing our own relationship with Him by being disciplined in the areas of prayer, meditation, and Bible study ourselves. We must never allow our ministry to slowly destroy our own spiritual lives. This has been a real struggle for me because - like a lot of youth workers - in addition to my students and their parents, I have a wife and three children - one of whom is of youth group age herself. Trying to balance ministry and family is hard enough...to throw the development of my own spiritual life on top of all of that is almost impossible. However, if I don't, how good of a husband, father, and minister will I be?
A book that God has used to re-energize my prayer life is the biography of George Mueller called George Mueller: Man of Faith and Miracles by Basil Miller. The book chronicles the life of Mueller, who God used mightily to provide food, clothing, and housing to thousands of orphans in Europe in the 1800s. Mueller dedicated nearly all of his adult life to long periods of daily prayer (sometimes praying daily for the same thing for months and even years), fully trusting God to provide for the overwhelming financial needs of his ministry. God rewarded his faithfulness in prayer by providing for every single need - sometimes in miraculous ways. The key to Mueller's ministry success was his dedication to prayer.

Fight to carve time out of your schedule for prayer, meditation and Bible study. Analyze your daily schedule and cut where necessary so that you can fit these vital disciplines in. For me, it means that I get up 30 minutes earlier to walk and pray. I walk to strengthen my physical heart, and I pray to strengthen my spiritual heart. I keep a devotional Bible on my desk at work so that I can read some Scripture before I hit the ground running, and I keep another Bible by my bed to read a chapter or so before I hit the sack. We are always telling our students to make time for God, but how serious are we about this in our own lives? If you want to be effective in any type of ministry - to students or to their parents - maintaining a healthy and growing relationship with the Lord is essential.

Knowing the Youth Culture
In my first year of full-time youth ministry, I was driving a vanload of kids back from an event. The van did not have a tape player, and there were no good Christian radio stations in my town, so I flipped the dial over to the 80's station. It was the early 90's at the time, and I was only six years removed from high school myself. The song, Owner of a Lonely Heart, by Yes was on, so I cranked it up, expecting the kids to sing along with me. To my shock and utter horror, not only was no one in the van singing, but they were staring at me with a look of disgust. They had never heard the song before, had never heard of the band before, and it was unanimous...none of them like the song! It was then that I realized how fast the youth culture changes, and no matter how much you think you know about it, there's always more to learn.

In order to be an effective youth worker, you need to be in tune with the youth culture. This does not mean that you need to like it, but you do need to know at least something about it in order to effectively understand and communicate with today's teens. In the same way, parents need to be up-to-speed as well, but often feel completely overwhelmed by the task. This is where a youth worker - no matter how old, how young, how experienced, or how inexperienced - can be a great resource for parents.

As you attempt to keep up with the youth culture yourself, bring your parents along for the ride. Here are some suggestions on how to keep up with the big three youth culture mediums (music, movies, and TV) both for you and for your parents...

MUSIC
1. I visit http://www.billboard.com/ regularly. When I'm there, I click on the "The Billboard 200" link to check out the top albums and "The Hot 100" link to keep up with the top singles.

2. Then, I visit the official web sites of the groups or artists who are on top of the charts. I find out the addresses of the web sites by doing a Google web search.

3. Once there, I spend a couple of minutes surfing the site, checking out bios, discographies, and news about each artist or group.

4. If song lyrics are not available on the group's or artist's official web site, I then go to http://www.lyrics.com/. Lyrics to thousands of songs can be found there.

5. If this seems like too much work, you can visit http://www.pluggedinmagazine.com/. This is Focus on the Family's youth culture web site and contains many current pop music album reviews.

MOVIES
1. My first stop is at http://www.pluggedinmagazine.com/. The guys and gals at Plugged In do a great job of helping parents and youth workers stay on top of the movie scene. They review literally hundreds of movies each year with reveiews of new releases being posted every Friday. Their reviews are thorough and fair.

2. I also spend some of my "movie culture time" online at http://www.rottentomatoes.com/ This site contains the reviews of movie critics and reviewers from all over the country. After reading dozens of brief reviews on any one movie, you ought to be able to get a good feel for what the movie is about and what messages it is sending to it's viewers.

3. A great site for helping parents and youth workers to use movies as discussion starters is http://www.teachwithmovies.org/ They provide discussion questions designed to get parents and teens talking about the issues brought up in the movies. This previously free site now charges a samll fee for full access.

TV
1. Again, my first stop here is http://www.pluggedinmagazine.com/ as well. The gang at Plugged In also does a great job of helping parents and youth workers stay on top of the TV scene.

2. I spend a little bit of time every once-in-a-while surfing the web sites of the major television networks, learning about the different programs targeted toward teens that they air. My online visitation routine consists of MTV.com, ABC.com, NBC.com, CBS.com, Fox.com, and WB.com.

3. Every week, I keep up with the current Neilsen TV ratings. Nielsen puts out the a list of the top 20 most watched programs each week and can be accessed at www.nielsen.com/media/toptens_television.html

Both Plugged In and the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding (cpyu.org) put out youth culture magazines that provide good overviews and coverage of all three mediums. Do you want to earn respect with parents and gain instant access into their world? Then, get a handle on today's youth culture and show parents how they can do it as well.

Knowing the Family
In order to become an effective minister to parents, you must become a student of families - especially if you are not a parent of a teen yourself. Read books on parenting, observe other families, regularly talk about parent issues with other parents of teens, visit our web site frequently, and buy all of our cassettes! Learn as best as you can what it is like to be a parent of a teen.

Wayne Rice, founder of Understanding Your Teenager, jokes that unless you are a parent of a teen, "you have no idea what it's like to be mad at your kid 24 hours a day, seven days a week!" It's not easy parenting a teen. Now that I have three of my own teens to deal with, I am experiencing much of what I could only ask about before. Even the really good kids give their parents grief now and then. In order to help your parents navigate the choppy waters of adolescence, you need to become a student of not just teens but of parents as well.

I have always surrounded myself with parents of teens who allow me to ask them what it's like to be them. For most of my ministry career, I was a father of little kids and was well aware that I didn't know what it was like to parent a teen. By having parents who were willing to help me address the issues that other parents of teens would bring to me, I was able to minister to them even though I wasn't one of them.

Parents of teens aren't quick to take advice from those who aren't parents of teens. However, if you prove to them that you are competent in the Word, an authority on the youth culture, and that you are a humble student of the family, willing to listen and learn, you will earn the right to be heard with the parents of the teens in your ministry.

Parent Ministry Pillar #1: Consistency

2008-09-04T14:15:00.005-06:00

This is part 2 of a 4-part "Foundations of Parent Ministry" series.

When I moved from Ohio to Albuquerque, New Mexico in 1999, it didn't take long for my family to adjust to the sunny, warm days and the beautiful mountain scenery that envelops the city. Along with its beauty, Albuquerque happens to be the home of the world's longest aerial tramway that whisks visitors from 6,500 ft to 10,378 ft in only minutes. Once at the top, there are spectacular panoramic views of 11,000 square miles of New Mexico. Even though the ride up is breath taking as the tram glides over beautiful mountain tops and deep, pine filled chasms, it is also very deceptive - especially for those like me who are afraid of heights.

As the tram makes its steady journey up the thin-looking, wind-tossed cables (which are the only things holding you and the rest of the riders from plummeting hundreds of feet to your death!), there is a large tower on top of the mountain peak ahead to which the cables are connected, signaling to the nervous first-time passengers that the ride is almost over. However, as the car approaches the tower, one realizes that this is not the end. When the tram sails under the tower, over the peak, and back out into the vast expanse, the horrifying realization sets in that the ride is only half over, and the canyon below is deeper and more expansive than the last.

In the same way, once you have wrestled with the theology behind the philosophy of parent ministry (see article 01), you may think that you are ready to begin planning the particulars of your budding parent ministry. However, based on my studies and my experience, you're only half way there, and like the vast canyon that must be crossed in the tram, there is still a lot of groundwork that must be laid before the particulars of your parent ministry can be planned. There are still three "foundational pillars" that must be put in place in order to ensure a successful, long lasting parent ministry. In this article, we'll explore the pillar of consistency - which can be divided into three sub-categories: consistency in time; consistency in building family relationships; and consistency in maturity.

Consistency in Time
If you want to establish your ministry as one that equips parents and helps families, then you must be committed to being in one place for a long period of time. I've gone through my ministry career with the understanding that the average life span of a youth pastor in any one given church is about 18 months to two years. At the two churches I have served, I made sure that the pastors and the parents knew that I was an "above average" youth pastor upon the observance of my second anniversary! I know of one church in Michigan that went through four youth pastors in five years. All of them left for various reasons ranging from moral failure to job dissatisfaction, and when the church called me to ask if I would consider being the fifth youth pastor in five years, I promptly but kindly said "no!" If teens and families don't think you'll last long at their church, then chances are, they won't buy completely in to your leadership and vision.

I firmly believe that it takes a good two to three years for a youth pastor to really establish himself as the trusted and loved leader among his students. It takes this much time for the kids to really get to know him and for him to really get to know them. When I first came to my current church, I was following in the footsteps of a beloved, highly relational youth pastor who had left prior to my arrival. In the interim, the youth ministry was lead by two couples who were some of the best volunteer youth workers I have ever known. Both couples left - not because of me but because of jobs in other cities! - within one year of my arrival. Their departure left the students dismayed and my ministry shorthanded. It took a good two years for the program to recover and for my leadership to be fully established and "bought into" by the kids.

If it takes this long for kids to buy in, then you can count on it taking longer for parents to buy in. They aren't around you as much as their kids are. They don't go on retreats with you; they don't get to hear you pour your heart out each week like their kids do; and they don't spend endless hours hanging out with you in your home, in your office, or at McDonalds. In order to have a platform with your parents - one in which will allow you to speak into their lives and influence their families - it's going to take time. If you have not been with your church for very long, you need to at least regularly communicate to your parents that you plan on staying there for a long time.

I have a youth pastor friend here in Albuquerque who is very committed to the philosophy of parent ministry but has only been at his church for less than two years. In spite of his short tenure, he has already made great strides in ministering to and equipping his parents because from day one, he has made it clear to his students and their parents that he is committed to staying for the long haul. He has told me numerous times - and I'm sure he has told them as well - that he sees youth ministry as a career and not a stepping stone to something else. His commitment to staying for the long haul at his church has greatly helped him in the building of his parent ministry.

Consistency in Building Family Relationships
It's one thing to be committed to staying at one church for a long period of time, but it's another thing to strategically build relationships that will open up future opportunities to minister to parents during that time. How purposeful are you in building relationships not just with teens but with their parents? I know of youth workers who spend countless hours at their students' sporting events hanging with other teens. How much more strategic and beneficial would it be for the youth worker to spend some of his time at these events sitting with and talking to parents? Whenever I go to one of my student's events, I spend most of my time hanging with their parents. Besides, I'm not sure the other teens there really enjoy having me (a married man and father of three kids) invading their group anyway. I usually pop in on their posse for a quick "How you doin'?" and an awkward thirteen-step handshake that I fumble through, and then I go sit with the parents. This is my time to build rapport, friendship, and trust with them.

I made the mistake one time early on in my ministry of not spending time with a set of parents when I should have, and it cost me. My family and I were invited to the home of two teens from my youth group for dinner. Little did I know at the time that the parents were having enormous problems with their oldest son and wanted to use the evening to get to know me to see if I might be able to help them. During dinner, the kids said very little, and the father was obviously suffering from a powerful headache. He sat silent with his head down most of the meal and then chewed and swallowed three dry aspirin in front of us as desert was served! After desert, he got up and left without saying a word to go lie down. I assumed that since he was out of the picture that I could be as well, so as my wife chatted with the mother, I went upstairs to the boy's room to hang with him.

After showing me all of his Lego inventions and his elaborate Hot Wheels collection, he challenged me to a game of chess. About an hour passed, and after getting thoroughly whipped by a 13-year old, we made our way back downstairs. Evidently, in the course of the chess match, the father came back to life, so my wife was left alone to chat with both of them while I played with their son. We all talked for a few minutes, and after several "thank yous" and the ceremonial hand on the stomach "the meal was delicious...I'm stuffed" exchange, we left. I walked to the van with a smile on my face, reveling in the fact that I had mastered yet another teen connection. I was feeling good!

Then I looked at my wife! She was not happy at all and made it very clear to me in precise and extremely understandable words that I had blown it. She explained that the parents were hoping to visit with both of us and that they had invited us over to visit...with them and not necessarily with their kids. I threw out a couple of lame retorts attempting to justify my behavior, but I knew she was right. I should have been more sensative to the situation, and because I wasn't, it took a lot of work on my part to recover.

Over the next couple of years, the family went through some pretty tough times with their son. I played an important part in helping them survive, which included having the son live at our house for a short time. However, through most of my interactions with the family during this time, I was looked down upon especially by the mother. She expressed to me her thankfulness on numerous occasions for my relationship with her son, but more than once, she told me that she felt like my age and lack of parenting experience made it hard for her to take any advice from me. If I would have shown more discernment the night they invited me over and spent time building a relationship with them, maybe her "take" on me would have been different. If I would have shown her that I was interested in getting to know them that night rather than spending all of my time playing games with her son, maybe she would have seen me as more of a family pastor than just a youth pastor.

Being consistent in building family relationships means that you look for opportunities in every ministry situation and setting to connect with parents. When you phone one of your students and her parent answers, don't be too quick to ask for her. Spend some time chatting with the parent. When parents come to the church to drop off or pick up their kids, roam the parking lot and interact with as many parents as you can. Laying the foundation of relationship will pay off down the road when you're ready to transition your ministry to one that seeks to educate and equip parents.

Consistency in Maturity
On the whole, youth workers are not known for always choosing to do the wisest things! It is a constant struggle for us to keep the balance between being seen as "cool" by our students and being seen as mature and "safe" by their parents. However, one screw-up in the area of maturity, and our credibility with parents can go down-the-tubes...sometimes permanently.

For my first full-time youth ministry gig back in 1994, I was hired in May, and in June, I found myself sitting on a urine-stained mattress in a filthy camp cabin serving as the counselor for twelve senior high guys I barely knew. Unbeknownst to me, these guys had a tradition each year of seeing who could do the grossest thing at camp. The guy who outdid all of the others would receive the coveted title of being the grossest person for the entire year until camp came around the following year.

It just so happened that one of the adult counselors I brought with me was a guy in the Air Force. On the first night of camp, all of the guys were sitting around in the cabin talking about the winning gross acts of year's past and how they were planning to top it that year. Against all wisdom and logic, the adult counselor decided to tell the guys about the gross things that Air Force cadets do at the academy. The things he mentioned were far grosser than anything the high school guys had ever imagined, and needless to say, the rest of the week was spent attempting to outdo the Air Force cadets.

I'll have to admit, I never stopped the guys from doing this, and to be honest, it was funny watching them try to outdo one another. Did it ever enter the realm of sin? No. Was it complete stupidity? Yes! I can not in good conscience relay to you the events of that week, but I can tell you that when we arrived back in the church parking lot after camp was over, the actions of the guys in my cabin were proclaimed to every single parent in attendance. I also came to find out that their shenanigans were the talk of many family meals, get-togethers, and reunions that summer as well!

One afternoon, I received a phone call from one of my most treasured parents. This mother and her husband had great kids and were people that I highly respected. I knew that they were big fans of me, my family, and my ministry, and this made her call all the more painful. She called to ask if indeed the rumors of what went on in my cabin were true to which I had to answer "yes." After much backtracking and explaining by me, she did affirm that what went on was not sinful, but she did feel that I showed a real lack of wisdom and discernment by letting it go on. She was right, and it took quite some time for the episode to die down and for my reputation among the parents to be rebuilt.

As youth workers, we must be more concerned with building our parents' trust in us than being seen as "cool" and "hip" by our students. Besides, there are very few of us who can really pull off being seen as cool by kids today, and I'm not so sure I want to be seen that way anyway! Be fun loving, exciting, and dynamic, but make sure that you don't allow yourself to cross the line into irresponsibility, immaturity, and foolishness. This will only go to delay and stunt the development of a successful parent ministry.

Theology Must Give Birth to Philosophy

2008-09-04T10:34:00.003-06:00

This is part 1 of a 4-part "Foundations of Parent Ministry" series.

Before any youth worker can make the decision to transition his or her program to a more parent-focused ministry, he or she must first wrestle with the theology behind the philosophy. This is true of any new ministry shift a youth worker makes. I remember early on in my ministry reading Acts 2 and being profoundly challenged with the theology of small groups. This theology - plus a lot of reading, research, prayer, and conversation - led to a philosophical shift in my ministry, which finally led to the launch of my small group ministry. The theology came first, and the same must be true before launching your parent ministry.

"Family ministry" and "parent ministry" are buzz phrases among youth workers today. It seems like everyone is talking about it, but few are doing it well because few have thought through the theological implications. Since youth workers are pulled in so many different directions, we tend to not allow time for theological study and thought - except when we're trying to figure out how to explain the Trinity to a snot-nosed, hygenically-challenged junior higher!

The big question in youth ministry today is, "What does a successful parent ministry look like." This is an excellent question and one that many ministry leaders are trying to answer. In this series of articles, I'll take my stab at this question. However, this is NOT the first question that we should be asking. The first question should go something like this: "How ought Scripture to impact the way I do ministry to parents?" If we ask this question first, then we can rid our minds - for the time being - of all the other "how to" questions regarding parent ministry and allow God's Word to shape our philosophy first.

The Bible makes it very clear that the home is the primary place where faith training and the passing down of faith and values must take place. It also makes it clear that the job of pastors and teachers (youth workers) is to prepare and equip God's people (which includes parents) for works of service (which includes parenting). No where in Scripture does it say that pastors - or youth workers in our case - are to see themselves as the primary faith trainers in the lives of teens. By exploring the following passages of Scripture, I think you'll agree.

Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

This is a familiar passage that is rich with meaning and implication as we allow it to inform our emerging parent ministry philosophy. These words were spoken by Moses as he gave his final instructions to the Israelites before they entered the Promised Land and before he died. They are important words and were taken seriously by the original listening audience.

Nowhere in this passage do we see the word "parent." As a matter of fact, these words were not addressed specifically to parents, but rather were addressed to all of the adults in the Israelite community. Understood in this light, it gives us youth workers great spiritual ammunition for recruiting and equipping an army of adults to assume the role of spiritual mentors to the teens and younger kids in our churches. However, even though the word "parent" does not appear here, the implications for parents are many.

Who other than parents are consistently around when kids are lying down and when they are getting up? Who other than parents has the authority to tie things on a kid's hands, bind things on a kid's forehead, and write things on the doorframes of their homes?! If anyone bound my kids' foreheads or wrote on my doorframes, there'd be trouble! So, it's clear that although these words are addressed to a broader audience, parents will be the primary ones to pull these things off.

Since this is true - and since the foreheads and doorframes of our students are off limits to us - we must ask ourselves what this passage is instructing us in regards to our developing parent ministry. Let me suggest a couple of things.

1. We must help parents love God passionately.The great thing about this one is that this is what the church as a whole should be focused on. Other members of the pastoral staff or other such ministry leaders should be concerning themselves with the spiritual development and growth of the parents involved in your ministry. Your job, then, is to make sure this is happening. If you don't know what opportunities for spiritual growth are available at your church for your parents, then talk with those in charge of adult ministries. Then, encourage the parents of teens in your church to participate in these classes, small groups, etc. Communicate these opportunities to them on a regular basis via email, your parents newsletter, and word of mouth. Have parents who are plugged in to the church invite those who are not. Coordinating and overseeing the spiritual development of parents is not your job as a youth worker, but doing all that you can to encourage parents to participate is.

2. Parents are to teach their children diligently to love God and His Word. As my pastor would say, the word "impress" in verse 7 is pregnant with meaning! It means to point, to pierce, to prick, and to diligently teach. It implies a real sense of focus, accompanied with day-in and day-out sweat-filled labor. If parents want to see their kids grow to passionately love God, they must not only love God this way themselves, but they must be incredibly diligent in training their kids in the faith. This all-out effort is especially critical in this day and age with so many forces ready to step in and educate kids if parents do not. As youth workers, I believe that we must spend most of our time and effort in this area, helping moms and dads to pull off this daunting yet do-able task. This passage tells us that parents have the best opportunity to be the most effective faith trainers in a kid's life, and as youth workers, we MUST equip them, educate them, and train them to do it. Sound scary? It is! Sound tough? It is! Sound difficult? It is! But, it can be done, and we'll explore this in greater detail in future articles.

3. Parents are to make sure this is not a compartment but a family lifestyle. The term "compartmentalize" is probably a bit overused in ministry circles today, but regardless of it's dead-horse status, it is still true. The tendency of our culture today is to compartmentalize almost everything...work, family, marriage, religion, choices, decisions, convictions, and so on. We must help parents fight the cultural force that strongly pushes them to compartmentalize their faith, thus separating it from the rest of life. This can be devastating for not only them, but also for their kids. Kids growing up in a home where faith is compartmentalized to Sunday mornings, Wednesday nights, and occasional church potlucks will carry this philosophy into adulthood and live a lifestyle that more reflects the world than the Bible. Parents are told in this passage that conversations about the Lord and His Word should fill their homes, their lives, and the lives of their children. This is the biblical key to kids developing and then living an uncompartmentalized spiritual life as adults.

As a matter of fact, the Search Institute, a secular research organization based in Minneapolis, came to this conclusion after studying what factors helped kids stay committed to the faith upon entering adulthood. They found that the most powerful predictor of a young person's continuing faith in Christ and continuing commitment to the church through adulthood is simply this: if that young person hears at home conversations about faith between their father and themselves and between their mother and themselves.

So, parents must make sure that the faith they pass on to their teens is one that is a part of every area of their lives. The Bible commands it, the secular world affirms it, and as youth workers, we must facilitate it.

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

If we were given permission by God to remove one verse from Scripture and were allowed to completely ignore its content, this would be the one I would choose! As a father, these words sit heavy upon my shoulders, and their implications have been life-altering. Because of this one verse (and it's Colossians 3:21 partner), I have come to understand that as a father, it is my responsibility to make sure that my children are being trained and instructed in the things of the Lord.

For me, this has meant that 1) I plan and oversee our family devotions; 2) I provide books and devotionals for my kids and keep up with what they are reading and studying so that I can have good spiritual discussions with them; 3) I make sure that my wife and I pray regularly for them; 4) I make sure that the education they are receiving includes the Christian worldview; and 5) I teach them to pray by praying with them often. This does not mean that I do it all to the exclusion of my wife. As a matter of fact, she does much of the same with them. However, this verse implies that as the father, I must oversee the training process, making sure that it is being done.

What does this mean for youth workers as they develop their philosophy of parent ministry? It means that we must approach parents with the understanding that the Bible says that the primary responsibility for the faith training of children (teens) is the father's. We must acknowledge that fathers are the heads of their homes (Ephesians 5:23), and our ministries must be designed to help them carry out their God-ordained role by providing them with training, resources, and mentor-relationships.

Unfortunately, we live in a culture where half of the marriages end in divorce, thus throwing a large-sized wrench into our ministry planning and strategy. In many divorce situations, the father is mostly absent, so we may need to equip mothers in these homes the way we would equip dads if they were there. If this is the case, you will need to make sure that your parent ministry strategy provides great support and help for those mothers who are raising teens alone. There are, however, many cases where the father is still in the picture to some extent and could still benefit greatly from what your parent ministry can offer him.

Regardless of whether a home is "intact", "blended", or led by a single parent, Ephesians 6:4 makes it clear that the primary location where faith training shoud take place is in the home...not in the church. Our job as youth workers is to provide the necessary support and resources for it to take place there.

Ephesians 4:11-12
It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service...

Nowhere in Scripture do I see the position of youth pastor or youth worker mentioned. I'm not saying that these positions should not exist...my livelihood depends on it! However, we must look to Scripture to see what biblical principles apply to the position of youth worker.

The word for pastor in verse 11 can also be translated to mean shepherd, and shepherding is what all youth workers are called to do. This passage says that pastors (or shepherds) - and those in the other God-ordained offices mentioned - are to be about the business of preparing and equipping God's people for works of service so that the church may be built up or edified. As youth workers, we usually apply this verse to the equipping of volunteers or student leaders, but we must also see that this verse has application for our parents.

It has already been established that Scripture calls parents to be the primary faith trainers of their children. This God-given role - when carried out properly - builds up and edifies the church at large by producing Godly children, providing a Godly example for other parents to follow, and glorifying God through obedience to His commands. As youth workers, we play a pivotal role in this process. As we equip, educate, and encourage parents, they build up the church body through their obedience.

So, in light of these three passages alone, it becomes clear that as youth workers, we must redefine our position. The days of traditional youth ministry where the youth worker sees parents more as a burden than as a ministry must end. It is true that today's teens desperately need what we have to offer them, but what about their parents? They desperately need us too, and if we can help them become better, more Godly parents, then we will also be helping their kids as well.

Developing a philosophy of parent ministry is essential for every youth worker involved in the lives of teens today. When constructing a new home, builders give careful attention and thought to the laying of the foundation, because they know that if they don't, the home will be poorly built and structurally unsound. In the same way, we must give careful attention, thought, and prayer to the theological foundation of our emerging parent ministry, because a solidly built and structurally sound parent ministry is rooted in biblical principles.

The Power of Parent Ministry

2008-09-03T18:22:00.004-06:00

When I talk to youth workers about the subject of parent ministry (equipping moms and dads to be more effective, godly teen-builders) they seem to fall into one of three categories. They're either passionate about it, ignorant about it, or have no desire to do it.

The passionate ones know its importance and understand its biblical basis. Most youth workers who are ignorant about it simply have never been challenged with the concept, but after being exposed to the idea of parent ministry seem quick to embrace it. It's the youth workers who have no desire to engage in parent ministry that concern me most. And of the three groups, they constitute the majority.

For some time now, parents and youth workers have shared an unhealthy relationship. Parents have given youth workers a green light to become the primary spiritual caretakers of their teens. Sensing a vacuum, youth workers have dutifully stepped in. But as verses such as Ephesians 6:4, Proverbs 1:8-9 and 4:1-9 suggest, this should not be so. Youth workers have been propelled into a role of leadership instead of serving in support role. Likewise, parents have been demoted to a supporting role in an area where they should be leading.

It's like this. My fireplace and my furnace work well together. The furnace supplies the primary heat for my home, and my fireplace provides additional warmth and support for the main heating system. If I were to switch their roles by using the fireplace all the time and the furnace only occasionally, would my house still receive heat? Yes, but it would not be nearly as warm and my heating system wouldn't be as effective.

The same principle is true when parents and youth workers switch roles. Do teens still receive spiritual training and care? Yes, but it's not nearly as good and the spiritual training system isn't as effective. The Bible makes it very clear that the primary responsibility of "training up children in the way they should go" (Prov. 22:6) rests upon mom and dad. It's the job of youth leaders to come alongside parents and support them in any way possible.

What does this mean for youth workers? First, they must reassess their role and commit to building up and supporting the home rather than unintentionally undermining it by taking on the parents' God-given responsibilities. Youth workers -especially those who aren't parents of teens themselves - should seek to understand what it's like to parent a teen and how they can be a more effective ally. Using this knowledge, they must then build their ministry with parental support as the primary focus. This isn't the norm. Many youth workers don't want to do it because it can be intimidating. It's hard work. But it's too important not to do it.

What does this mean for parents? They must accept a leadership role in the spiritual training of their teens and resist the temptation to delegate this responsibility to the youth worker (or let it be wrestled away from them). If they haven't already done so, parents need to adopt a strategy for nurturing their adolescents, spiritually. Then they can sit down with the youth worker and discuss how the full-time minister can best support them. This isn't the norm either. Many parents don't want to do it because it takes a lot of time and effort, but it must be done.

Parent ministry is a must for every youth ministry. It takes cooperation from both sides to make it happen. Caring, connected parents know their children better than anyone. Youth workers know the popular culture well and understand how to relate on an intimate level with teenagers. Together, performing their God-ordained duties, they can team up so that young people receive the ultimate spiritual benefit.

Passionate. Ignorant. Apathetic. If you want to see youth thrive, you'll gravitate toward passion, watching the Lord work wonders as you make parent ministry a top priority.

This article was written by Mike Potter and first appeared in a 2002 edition of Plugged In magazine.